When it comes to wellness advice, the rules can feel endless: eat clean, sleep well, manage stress, avoid toxins, and exercise. But what if we flipped the script? Instead of the same well-meaning reminders, what if we explored what happens when we do the opposite—not as advice, but as a playful reminder of the choices we often overlook?
This guide is different. We’ll take a lighter approach and spotlight the habits that wreck your wellness—the daily decisions that are just as impactful, but far less celebrated. Think of it as a tongue-in-cheek list of “what not to do,” wrapped in humor, and served with a wink to the health-conscious reader.
So if you’ve ever wondered how to sabotage your health in style—or want a lighthearted take on habits we all fall into—this one’s for you. So let’s dive into 21 ways to completely derail your wellness… and hopefully, get a few smiles along the way.
21 Steps to Wellness Gone Wrong
Step 1:
Rainbow Breakfasts of Champions
Start your day with colorful, sugar-packed cereals and drinks loaded with synthetic dyes. These vibrant concoctions will energize kids, send their attention spans into orbit, and add a touch of artistry to your pantry. Why let their brains develop when they could bounce instead?
Step 2:
Sweet Mornings, Sour Health
Add heaps of sugar to your coffee. Don’t bother with teaspoons—count in seconds as you pour. Bonus points if you serve it in a plastic cup with a lid for that extra kick of microplastics.
Step 3:
Skip the Dentist and Flossing—Embrace the Mystery
Who needs dental checkups or floss when you can let your teeth live their best mysterious lives? Cavities add character, plaque builds personality, and nothing says “bold lifestyle choice” like letting gum disease surprise you. Skip the floss—your gums will stop bleeding eventually. Bonus: Rinse with soda for that extra sparkle!
Step 4:
Scents and Sensibility
Load up on commercial detergents, fabric softeners, and scented candles. The stronger the fragrance, the better. Bonus: Make sure the candle wicks contain lead to spice up your indoor air.
Step 5:
Pthalate and Paraben Paradise
Use shampoos, moisturizers, perfumes, and lotions packed with phthalates and parabens. These magical chemicals help preserve the formula and allow the scent to stick to you—and stick it to your liver and hormones while they’re at it.
Step 6:
The Great Grocery Aisle Gambit
Never shop the perimeter of the grocery store. The real treasures are in the middle, especially in the snack and ice cream aisles. Who needs fresh produce when you’ve got artificially flavored everything?
Step 7:
BPA, Your Kitchen MVP
Choose only cans lined with bisphenol-A and embrace plastic in all forms. Microwave your food in plastic, wrap it tightly in plastic wrap, and store it in stained plastic Tupperware. Shredded bits of cutting board plastic? Extra flavor points.
Step 8:
Mold Is the New Minimalism
Ignore water damage and musty carpets. Black mold adds a rustic touch to your home décor—and gives your lungs a workout they didn’t ask for.
Step 9:
Artificial Intelligence, Real Additives
Eat as many foods as you can with MSG and yeast extract. MSG is proven to make lab rats obese, so it’s basically a growth supplement for humans. Plus, it tastes amazing!
Step 10:
Big Flavor, Bigger Problems
Snack on deli meats cured with added nitrates and flavorings. Bonus points for pairing it with your favorite sugary soda—don’t worry about the bubbles, they’ll make you feel alive.
Step 11:
Ignorance Is Bliss
Never get bloodwork. Who needs to know what’s happening inside? If you don’t see it, it’s not real.
Step 12:
Couch Potato Pro Tips
Stay glued to the couch all day. Movement is overrated, and you might pull a muscle if you try to exercise.
Step 13:
Midnight Screen Time Madness
Spend hours staring at your screens before bed. The bright blue light will lull your body into sleepless chaos. Three hours of rest is all you need—if you’re committed to wrecking your wellness.
Step 14:
Sunlight Is Overrated
Avoid the sun at all costs. Vitamin D levels are just numbers, and low numbers build character.
Step 15:
Feed the Plastics Addiction
Embrace your annual plastic consumption—it’s like eating a credit card’s worth of microplastics every year. Consider it a sign of excellent credit.
Step 16:
Corporate Worship 101
Trust corporations to have your best interests at heart. If they use additives banned in other countries, it’s only because they’re pushing innovation to the limits. Lobbyists and politicians agree—it’s all good.
Step 17:
Sleep Is for the Weak
Replace a good night’s rest with late-night snacking, binge-watching, and scrolling. The less sleep, the more time to make deliciously unhealthy choices.
Step 18:
Hydration Is Overrated
Forget water—stick to sugary sodas and energy drinks for all your hydration needs. Caffeine and corn syrup are the true elixirs of life.
Step 19:
Stress Is the Spice of Life
Stay as stressed as possible. Overcommit to everything, skip self-care, and keep your cortisol levels high. After all, adrenaline is free energy, right?
Step 20:
Fry Hard
Cook everything in vegetable oils, especially canola oil. Pan-fry, deep-fry, and make sure it chars beautifully. Unstable fats and free radicals are like seasoning for your insides.
Step 21:
Criticism Club
Hang out with others who do all of the above. Criticize anyone suggesting alternatives—they’re clearly quacks who don’t understand the true joys of modern living.
Disclaimer: This guide is satirical—please don’t actually do these things unless you really want to wreck your wellness! While some of these ideas might sound like actual health advice you’ve seen in mainstream headlines, we’re poking fun at how corporate-driven narratives often prioritize profit over real wellness.
